Using watercolours in a sketchbook

From a blog post... but the ideas are still important

wow. I feel like my head can't contain everything at the moment. To start.. a comment made yesterday on here really upset me. I don't have anything against the person who posted it, but it made me wonder why it upset me and that started a whole spiral of questions. I've been mentally writing an essay about it.. basically on self identification. Then I check the blog today and see that this is the latest theme. what I was thinking was why we (in the most general sense) identify ourselves by the nation we are part of. questions about the purpose of this. And then specific questions for Dennis on whether his sense of identification has altered at all from moving to another country. Also questions about creating art... when your thoughts are committed to paper or record or whatever, they are instantly open to interpretation/ misinterpretation. Whether this idea has any effect on the artist, I suppose also specifcally Dennis. Then.. the gay thing. Well.. I vary on how I feel. I can see david ehrensteins point and understand the importance and oftentime necessity. But then I also see the other 'side' as such.. in that to some extent making delcarations about your sexuality can be buying into the hetero binary. The fact that the term homosexuality was coined deliberately to create a binary. essentially heterosexuals invented homosexuality. Until that point there was no real defining line.. people were involved in sexual acts of all manners without them defining anything about them as a person.

I was thinking about this when Dennis mentioned about Yury and whether he'd attend a pride event. To me, personally, I find the idea of pride events kind of weird. I understand why they happen and why they have been important, but part of me just feels weird about collecting together with a group of people just because we all like to fuck people of the same gender as us. I know that's put very simply, but for me that is all being gay is. I don't have any associations really with anything that could be considered a gay scene or lifestyle.. and living where I do I've never encountered any pro or anti gay acts. To be honest, no one where I live really cares. I think most people assume I'm gay because of my apperance, but it's just a non issue. I don't feel like I've ever been discriminated against because of my sexuality. I realise that is fortunate. I'd like for there to be just no issue for everyone... of course, that won't ever happen, but I sometimes feel that the more people rally for gay as a seperate/exclusive group in society then the more seperatist people will become. BUT, again.. this is probably due to the area in which I grew up. Perhaps, being female, I just find that a barrier which is far more ingrained into society. Sexuality in itself is an ambiguous thing... we all know people who have swung from gay to straight and through all the areas between. I know gender can be ambiguous also, but I'd say it is more easily discriminated against. I feel (perhaps wrongly) that a gay man still has a better chance or success in many fields than a woman, be her straight or gay. Interesting that one post here mentions many famous gay people... predominantly if not exclusively male. I know.. can't take everyone into account... but still.

I do think that everyone should have the freedom to identify as they wish, with no pressure on them to act in any way in which they don't feel comfortable.Also.. right now there's a documentary on about young conservative christians and their hopes of gaining power through politics. if heaven exists for me, this may just be it! haha

oh.. and do they really teach creationism in some american schools? most entertaining thing I've heard today 'we have layers of rock/earth etc. not because of millions of years of settlement but because of the flood in Genesis' ?!

What is it that makes us creatures of such habit? Habit - to the extent that we will continually make the same mistakes over and over. I wonder if, as a species, we are all destined to re-offend.

Where did the human need for structure come from? It would seem that very few communities manaed to thrive without structure. Humans seem to gravitate toward heirarchy. I would love to experience a life without structure but I doubt I would survive.

Sometimes it seems like the world I live in has become obsessed by time. Hours and minutes, divisions of the traversing sun or, more accurately, of the rotating earth. We limit ourselves, measure ourselves, govern ourselves from years to milliseconds. Success so often seems to be measured by speed, how fast one can move, how quickly one can solve the problem.

Love doesn't work in the same way. At least I don't think it does.

Perhaps this is why I find love so difficult; there is no definite structure, no measure of success. This is life without structure and I just feel lost. There appear to be no rules, the boundaries exist as and when you discover them and they are unique to that specific relationship. So although you may learn from previous experience, each new formation of love if a process of discovery in which 'experience', at times, renders us only able to make mistakes which by now have become habitual.